I had to sign into a building using a tablet. Pretty routine technology with the obvious fields like purpose of visit, mobile number and of course my name.
I typed the first three letters of my given name and the Auto-Fill came up with the suggestion: STUPID. Rough! I hadn’t had this particular insult derived from my name since primary school. But the technology is there to save time and effort, so I ran with STUPID and moved on to my surname. Two letters in Auto-Fill offered up: ZUCCHINI. I’ve never heard anyone insult the intelligence of a vegetable. Usually just referring to someone as either stupid or a vegetable is insulting on its own. But I’d saved the time and effort it takes to type seven extra letters, so STUPID ZUCCHINI was just fine.
Our phones learn the words we type most often and will predict them sooner. Stuart came after STOP and my middle name produced the predictive text ALFALFA. When I put Z into my phone, the first word to come up is my last name. When I type ZU, I still get Zurrer, but the next suggestion is Zumba. Zumba classes had their peak of popularity 10 years ago, a fad I never tried and a topic I’ve never searched. Is my phone making an age-appropriate suggestion about the need to exercise and socialise more?
When I put the three suggestions together I get STOP ALFALFA ZUMBA. There’s a bumper sticker that would get some curious minds wondering how to join the cause. Anyone who grew up in the 90’s may be further bewildered to have another reason to STOP. Now we don’t know whether to stop “In The Name of Love,” to “Collaborate and Listen”, because it’s “Hammer Time”, or to “Shake Our Hips to a Salsa Rhythm like a Legume Sprout”.
I ran a few other names through the predictive text test. The current CEO of Google is Sundar Pichai: SUNDAE PICKLES. Mmmmm, pickles on a sundae, “I’m loving it”. Sundar also produced SUNDAKKAI, which are commonly called Turkey Berries in English. So Sundar’s name has a similar theme to my name: just a fruit being insulted rather than a vegetable.
Founder of Google Larry Page gets similar treatment with LARYNGITIS PARSLEY. His Co Founder also gets a food reference. Sergey Brin has SERIOUS BRINGAL come up in the top five suggestions. Bringal is the name used for eggplants in India and South Africa. Lighten up eggplant!
My investigations fell short with more famous people as their names come up first when typing. Good luck searching for SEPTIC GOULASH, CRIMINAL RISSOLES or DOLTHEAD TURNIP. So my intitial time saving of typing seven letters turned into several hours time wasted googling negative vegetable references. What else should we expect from a Stupid Zucchini?
